after the sun had disappeared and the moon was over the mountains i took a few moments to go out onto my stoop. i watched the clouds cover the brightly lit moon, as the light was illuminating the edges of those clouds i listened to the crickets as they were busily talking to one another. the air is still warm at that time of night, perfect for lazy summer nights as you watch everything go by.  as i sat there i thought about my Heavenly Mother and my Heavenly Father.  as i have been searching for my spirituality these past months and not having the full connection that i want, and if maybe it is because i don’t have a connection with my Heavenly Mother and therefore i can’t have that full connection within my self, the deeper self-my soul.

as a child i never felt a pull towards wanting to know my Heavenly Mother, i had many strong women around me who helped in my upbringing. instead it was men that eluded me. a father who didn’t want me, step fathers who didn’t care and abusive. so rather i turned toward my religion (christianity). i prayed and as much as i could, i searched for that father that i always wanted and needed. i searched for that perfection of a family, of wanting a father and mother. and for me it was the father. as a teenager mormonism drew me in. it was the perfection that i was looking for. but yet still in all our lessons Heavenly Mother was always absent. yet i still knew she was there, she has to be. if part of our spiritual dna is made up by our Heavenly Father then we have another half that is missing and that we don’t get to learn about.

it hasn’t been but a couple years when i really have wanted to know who she is, where does she belong in the Godhead, how does she fit into her role and what are her characteristics. because still part of hers’ then belongs to me, to all of us. and then knowing her role, i can then know my role more fully, possibly more exceptable.  if i am to learn to be like my Heavenly Father then certainly as a women i should also be learning to be like my Heavenly Mother.  i would also learn fully my whole divine nature as well.  my relationships would be more equal, my whole presence of who i am would then be fully understood and whole. a wholeness that i have been searching for my whole 26 years of life.

i realized last night what i needed to do was pray about her, to ask who she is. i will

keep praying, pondering, searching for her in all realms that i can. in searching for her i am searching for myself as well.

with love,

jess

p.s. feministmormonhousewives.org has a series of posts on Heavenly Mother. as you can probably tell i am loving it and this series has gotten me to think more on how i can draw closer to her as well.