a glimpse…..

he took me by surprise, he was standing there on my porch when i drove up to the house.   i didn’t know who he was but he was standing there talking, i walked up and introduced my self and instantly wanted to learn more about him.  i had heard his name in conversation before and a little bit about him, but somehow when i met him i was pleasantly surprised by him.  i invited him in, i wanted more and it became obvious i am sure, that i liked him and if not then but in the few days it would be.   when i left the house he was still there and the whole time i was gone i thought about him, wondering if he would still be there when i got back.  when i drove up again he was, he was on his way out but i blushed and smiled trying to keep a moderate quizzical look on my face.

when saturday came there was four of us that went to the temple and the whole drive down i sat in the back watching him and listening as he talked. he intrigued me more and more.  i started learning more and more of him and every bit of it that i heard i wanted to be with him alone, to talk one on one. there was something that i wanted and he made me nervous.  i asked him for the following day to join me for dinner. that night i slept nervously, i woke early in giddiness that i haven’t felt in such a long time.  he awoke something in me that i haven’t been allowing, that i was wanting to reserve for someone else.   i watched him that morning, waiting for a look, a smile, anything.  and i wondered how i hadn’t seen or met him before this.  i prayed for an ease of spirit, to help with the jitters around him, to concentrate on what was being said. i tried to keep my gaze from him but i couldn’t.  that afternoon i rushed home, there was plenty to do before he arrived.  i cleaned the house, it kept me busy before he came and as i tried to keep my mind focused on the task on hand.  he came that evening and i opened the door to him and was yet again taken aback, he was actually there.  i tried to read him but due to my own jitterness, i couldn’t see, i just knew i wanted to talk to him, find out more. i needed more.  we talked all that evening and early into the morning.  my head swarmed with dizziness.  i tried not to make comparisons to myself, this was someone new, different.

i went to bed that night tired, but thankful and wanting to see him again.  when i answered the door to him the next evening i forced myself to take a breath. he looked good, we didn’t talk much that evening. we were with others that evening, those he had made close connections with within the last year.  his mind was overwhelmed as i am sure his emotions were too.  he was getting ready to leave and i wondered how lucky i was to get to spend with him his last few days to be included in that.  i watched that evening as he was with everyone, how they talked, and how they all were starting to miss him then but still trying to stay and enjoy the moment.  he had made an impact on them all and i could see he was good all through his core being.  i was sad too, i knew that that was the last night there would be, there could be no more.  and yet i wanted more time with him.  he dropped me off we said goodbye and we hugged.  i didn’t want to be let go.  he has a way of pulling you in and maybe even with out him realizing it.

in the days since i have been thinking about him, and about how we met and got to know one another in a short matter of time.  i realized too that this is what i needed when i did. to have those feelings resurface, they weren’t overpowering but more like a slow trickle. to allow me to start again, to start over again.  that its okay to like someone new, and maybe for myself just the hint of possibly dating again. I know its still a little ways off to that, but i know i can do it again, and at some point i will be really excited about it.  i was shown that for 3 days.   its all part of renewal and has hard as it is moving on. changing my directions.  i am learning to let it be as it is, whatever that might be.

 

with love,

jess

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