8 steps…

its been a little over a month now since i went in to sign papers that would declare that i am no longer married and that i agree to all the terms and conditions laid out.   it’s certainly not something that i wanted to do but i knew that at this point now that it was what i had to do.  the week arriving up to it i prayed, fasted, hiked, meditated, and prayed some more.  i knew that i would have to get to a place within me to do it even if i signed with shaky hands and tears in my eyes that i could sign my name have compassion and love and have the strength and courage to will me to do it then.   its been an interesting experience for myself, one of course i would wish on no one.  separation and divorce is hard, it takes everything that you believed about yourself and your partner and cuts it down to where there is barely anything left and you are left in a place all alone wondering what to do next and that is if you are doing it right.  and then slowly and surely you bring light in and start rewriting everything about yourself and possibly others as well.  but its hard to do and scary to do, because who wants to be left alone to themselves.  who really wants to find out about themselves and who they really are its a scary prospect and you don’t know what you will find until you let everything go and start evaluating yourself and then demystify all of your  *”truths”.  its uncomfortable and not the easiest thing to do but here is the #1 thing that no one really understands, is that we have break it all down some how in order to truly change ourselves and our patterns.       so here are a few ideas on what to do if  going through a separation and/or divorce yourself or if you know of someone that is and are just wanting to understand.

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1.  take care of yourself! yes this is extremely important make sure that you are eating, get in all of those dark green leaves, they have tons of vitamins for you and you need them now, you may not be able to eat for the first couple of weeks. i didn’t eat for a week, i had no appetite once the plate of food was placed in front of me.  so i would snack on protein bars, it helped until i was actually able to sit down and to eat a real meal.  drink lots of water skip all other liquids and just drink good clean water.  and the last exercise, it doesn’t need be hard and sweaty just something that will get your body moving and to help with any release that you need. take a walk, if your a nature person go for a hike, maybe take a yoga lesson or get an app on your phone with yoga to do at home.  all of this helps in balancing yourself, you might not be able to sleep very well for awhile but in eating healthy, drinking lots of water and doing some sort of activity will help you with your energy levels. you will get to a point were you will be more clear headed.

2. be in solitude. yep, lots of time to be by yourself. you need time to cry and let out anything that is frustrating you. you need time to breath and find out about yourself.  what do you want?  do you feel you lost a part of yourself in your relationship? what was it? write it done make a list.   what did you like about the relationship, what did you not?  can you look at both sides of the story? what could you have been better at? try not to focus negatively on yourself or your partner but rather is there something in yourself that you can make better, heal that might have come from your past? this is what this solitude it for.  express it in some way, write it down, paint, dance. do something but remember that you need to be alone.

3. don’t date, yep, no dating for a good year. you need to take this time for yourself. make new friends, reconnect with old friends. find out what you like. this can also be a good time for a career change too if you are feeling the need for real change. take the leap.  you don’t need to change who you are but become a more complete you.  its that whole be in solitude.  known of us wants to be alone, but you can’t find out about yourself or release from this breakup if you are rushing into a new relationship.  and most likely you will just repeat your previous relationships.  heal yourself first learn to be on your own. be comfortable with you.

4. have compassion on your spouse/ex. i know its hard. because you just want to be mad and angry with them and i am sure you have a few choice words you would like to throw their way, but please don’t.  if the relationship has mostly been negative for you then now you can end that negativity by bringing in compassion.  compassion is bring in understanding for all sides. you don’t need to talk to them to have compassion you can simply just have understanding for their pain as well as yours.  you don’t need to say mean things about them or to even think about mean things you can simply just let it be.  and this is the same if your spouse was the one who was wanting out of the relationship. i know that you are going to want them to come back, but the best thing you can do is to let them be. they need to find themselves and that has to be done alone. understand that whatever happened in your relationship that there are two sides and that they have hurt and pain.  be kind to them, listen if they choose to talk to you try and understand where they are coming from.  maybe they will come back and maybe they won’t.  that will be their choice.  having compassion on someone you don’t feel deserves compassion will open yourself up to have compassion on a myriad of people. its a beautiful thing.

5.  don’t listen to too many outside sources.  get yourself a lawyer if you have to but family and friends will try and tell you what to do, but only you will know what is best for you and your situation.  you know the relationship best as well as your spouse. your friends and family just don’t want to see you hurt and they want to help but they won’t really know how too.  and try not to say anything negative about the relationship. keep it to the basics if you are ready but you don’t have to get into the details. if you do need someone to talk to my suggestion is go to a professional.  for myself i went to a hypnotherapist it was great, i learned about myself and to let go of my past.

6.  you are going to have a lot of open time now, so do something you have always want to do. take a class, go back to school. volunteer in your community, pick up extra shifts and then save that money for a trip. is there somewhere you have always wanted to go, travel there.  something that you have always wanted to try? go try it, it might be something that will be all your own.   you never know what you might find along the way.

7.  are you religious? or have you felt lacking? find yourself spiritually.  be open to new ideas there is always truth to be found out there. seek after it. spirituality is within us. find your inner soul and connect with him or her.  study up on your religion and or others.  and then connect yourself with others who are open and who will help you with enlightenment.  this really is the best time for you to do so.

8. be grateful what you do have. i know it may seem hard at first and it will be. you have just had your whole world crash around you but sometimes even simply saying that you are grateful for toothpaste will bring more perspective into your life.   being grateful will bring out a more positive perspective on your new found life, if you haven’t been a positive person in the past you can be now.

now know that you are okay and that you are worth so much and have so much to give to the world. yes part of your world that you once had is gone but that doesn’t mean that you can’t rebuild it and be a more complete you that doesn’t need to have someone to complete you. you can and should complete yourself.  and when that time comes when you do meet someone new they won’t be filling some void within you, because you will have already.

with love,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    jess

*my therapist told me that as we are children and growing up that we believe things that we see or do or hear or what we are taught becomes a truth to us even if its something negative about ourself, others, things and even if its not true.  and they build and build and they become a part of who we are as adults but they can also be reversed as well.

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2 thoughts on “8 steps…

  1. Hi Jess, I stumbled on your blog from a link. I love your style of writing about your journey of self-care. Rooting for you in this new year. Best wishes–a new reader.

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