as i was cleaning the bathroom in this home for the last time, this home that i have created, dreamed and shared with for four years with someone i have loved even longer, something hit me.  you see when we were dating and on the verge of engagement and marriage we discussed a broad range of topics and what was acceptable and not acceptable in the bounds of marriage.  and then it hit me that at the end of the marriage when he left that he didn’t commit to his own words, he had gone back on them because he felt that he was unhappy and that if he wasn’t getting what he was needing from me then he was okay with going somewhere else where he thought.  it was hard hearing it when he told me and I didn’t want to believe it and it hurt, stung and for a moment in my already fragile self-worth I wondered if it was my fault.

over the weekend I found out that he got engaged, it was hard to take in I cried myself to sleep, prayed earnestly, and cried some more.  but then I realized that he did it again.  we have just barely signed the papers and we haven’t even gotten it back that we are legally divorced yet from the judge.  so he has been dating and courting someone while still legally married. yes we were separated but does that still give anyone the right to do that.  my feelings are no, it is still cheating.   and then i realized that him doing that and her doing that, this isn’t about me our about my self worth at all but about theirs.

you see i am mormon and he is too, and i am assuming that she is as well, and in the mormon church its a no, no to be dating while still married and that goes for being separated.  and especially if you are wanting to get re-married in the temple to someone else.  to me it only shows that they have no self-respect or true integrity.  a relationship that is beginning as one hasn’t even finished yet cannot stand ground, it doesn’t matter how many people you think that support you or telling you that it is acceptable.   for me its that a second marriage is more likely to fail and then the percentage of that keeps getting lower with the more marriages that you make.

I am not writing all of this out of revenge or hate, but more out of love and I suppose some perspective or at least trying to gain some.  I know for myself that you have to be able to find yourself and connect and be a whole self before getting in a relationship in that way. you can’t go into a relationship thinking that your partner will save you, make you whole, heal you, or fulfill you.  I did that once already and as we can see it didn’t turn out very well.  I know now that for a healthy and functional relationship that two people that come together need to have made themselves whole as a person. I know it goes against everything that we hear in the media, society but honestly I believe this to be the best truth.   When you are in the process of healing or trying to heal, it’s  harder to do when you add another into the already chaos  that is inside of you and even more difficult to see it when you are wrapped up in lust.

so I caution anyone who is separated and going through a divorce take this time for yourself.  work on you, find ways to make you happy, its not the obligation of someone else to do that for you. find out who you are and what you want out of life. work on whatever you need to work on to find peace with in yourself, learn to forgive yourself and others. learn to forgive your past marriage, learn from the mistakes of the marriage and also what did work for you as well take that with you and work on that.  but be sure that when going through a divorce that you do it alone. you have to learn to trust yourself, build up your self worth, learn to be grateful in the hardships, take a year off of dating and well date yourself.  this really could be the greatest gift that is given to you.  when you are whole yourself then you will bring those people into your life who are whole as well.  and you won’t always be alone fully while going through a divorce, you will have friends and family, there will be people that will come into your life just for this reason and purpose to help you on your journey of finding a new balance and yourself with in it.   yes it is hard, but it is doable.

with love,

jess

p.s. here is a talk given by Elder. Oaks back in 2007 –link

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