” i am worth it! I am worthy to love.” my heart fluttered and my whole soul sang this as i danced around my room as i was listening to adele and ray la montagne. finally there were happy tears, tears of love, love for myself. you see i have been working on this. learning to love myself, feeling worthy of love. i have sat in different counseling and holistic sessions trying to let go of old feelings, doubt, self-hate, abandonment, and each time as i sit or lay there they have me repeat the same words every time.
“i am love, i am love, i am love, i am Love.” ” i am worthy, i am worthy, i am worthy, i am worthy.” i repeat this over and over to them, they watch me carefully, i can see them watching me waiting for me to believe it. because they and i both know that there can’t be a full healing until i can let go and just believe this about myself. instead i give them a smile, wanting to believe, but i don’t feel it yet. i want too but those words they sound so strange, foreign coming from my mouth. it almost doesn’t sound like me. shocked a little when they come out from me. as i repeat and say them for the first time its raspy and quiet. but then i take those words with me home, i repeat them daily to myself. as i awake in the morning, before my eyes are fully open and my feet touch the ground, i say them as i look at myself in the mirror, i repeat them on my way to work, sometimes i say them softly, quietly to myself or i think it in my mind. i repeat them to myself till it starts being more comfortable to hear and then waiting to feel it deep within my marrow.
tonight for the first time i felt those words, for the first time i believed those words. I Am Love, I am worthy of Love, I am Worth It. i can’t change what others might feel or think of me, i can’t rewind the past nor can i make others who i have wanted to love me, love me. but i can accept the love that is given to me by family and friends. i can and will accept love from myself and i will allow love from future possibilities.
one day i will fall in love again and that love that i have for that person will be added to the inflow i have for all. and when i do fall in love again i will accept it with my whole being because i will know that i am worthy of love. i will be able to fully allow being in love into my life because i will know that I Am Love.