i am sitting here on my patio with the sun and its warming rays hitting me. at this moment i know what i need and what i want, even if i don’t know what i want out of the bigger picture. i have been trying to decide if i am ready for dating this month and i went on a few, one that was good and good for me and another that i shouldn’t have gone on but i did anyways, i suppose in a way it was good for me in realizing that i need to learn to voice myself more. and i didn’t on this one and on the date i realized that i don’t want to date right now. i am not really ready for it at this point in time. i don’t know when that will change but i know that i need to keep working on myself more. i need to align my spirituality with the rest of my life and i don’t know how to do that yet. i need to also know why i am dating and what i am wanting out of it. if its just because i am lonely and miss holding someone’s hand than its not good enough it feels all wrong to date just because i am lonely and i am missing the physical touch. i need to learn that it is okay to be on my own and not just to date someone and settle for just okay. i want to be in love not in lust. i want the real thing, i deserve the real thing just as we all do. but… i’m not ready for it.