not time yet….

i am sitting here on my patio with the sun and its warming rays hitting me. at this moment i know what i need and what i want, even if i don’t know what i want out of the bigger picture.  i have been trying to decide if i am ready for dating this month and i went on a few, one that was good and good for me and another that i shouldn’t have gone on but i did anyways, i suppose in a way it was good for me in realizing that i need to learn to voice myself more.  and i didn’t on this one and on the date i realized that i don’t want to date right now. i am not really ready for it at this point in time.  i don’t know when that will change but i know that i need to keep working on myself more.  i need to align my spirituality with the rest of my life and i don’t know how to do that yet. i need to also know why i am dating and what i am wanting out of it. if its just because i am lonely and miss holding someone’s hand than its not good enough it feels all wrong to date just because i am lonely and i am missing the physical touch.   i need to learn that it is okay to be on my own and not just to date someone and settle for just okay.   i want to be in love not in lust.  i want the real thing, i deserve the real thing just as we all do.  but… i’m not ready for it.

with love,

jess

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