i started noticing something within the last week or longer about myself this past year, i noticed that i was documenting the divorce with pictures of myself.  i took a lot of pictures of myself  and many of them at certain intervals or increments of my emotional and spiritual progress.  its all there mostly on my phone.  and to be truthful with you its rather beautiful.  when going through the pictures its as if i am looking at someone else but i know the thoughts and feelings that she is holding when that picture was being taken.  so i thought that i would share with you some pictures and the moments that i hold with them.

(march 2013)

this picture up top was taken just a couple weeks after we had been separated.  i went out and bought me a couple new shirts and a pair of new jeans.  I wasn’t eating anything at this time, i had no appetite within the first week of my ex leaving and i dropped ten lbs because i just couldn’t get anything down. i was crying a lot too, i cried everyday and all day long.  i know i had been crying right before this picture had been taken too.  i was just getting off of work that day but even though i had been crying i was still feeling okay weirdly enough.  i had also started going to therapy once a week and only took one day off from work, i had to find a way to stay busy and going to work was one of my comforts that i had at the time.  i also remember just feeling like i was in a fog, but i still felt okay and i had a lot of peace with in me.  i prayed constantly for peace.

(June 2013)

when this picture was taken, this was a big step for me religiously and spiritually.  the first week in june i got my temple recommend back after not having it for 2 or more years.  i had gotten to a point were i was wanting and needing to go to the temple early on in the spring. so i worked towards that.  when i did get my recommend that first week i went 4 times in one week.   i had needed it desperately for my own growth.  i had been working for months on my spirituality and what i believed and what i wanted out of church.  i needed it and craved it desperately in my life.  i had something happen while i was in the temple to help me to keep moving forward with in the church and also my own belief as well, it was powerful and something i had never felt before when going through.  i was still crying a lot and as you can tell still losing weight. i worked as much as i possibly could and by this time i was done with therapy.

(june 2013)

this picture was taken right after my grandmother had passed away. i saw her lying their lifeless and it was too much for me to take and so i ran out of her room and outside.  i walked around till i got to the front side and stood in front of the cornfield.  i went to ohio to be with my grandmother in her final weeks, but mostly it was for me to get away from everything that was happening here in utah.  i was searching desperately for my own sacred grove all i wanted was to be taken spiritually out of where i was.  as i stood there in front of the field i wished for the corn to magically grow tall so i could just escape into them. all i wanted to do was run and hide.  i cried and i mourned, but it wasn’t for my grandmother and i was so upset when i realized that the tears weren’t for her.  my thoughts and all my actions were constantly influenced on my husband and whether or not he would come home and making lists that if i did a, b, and c then God would bring him back home to me.  at this time that is all i wanted and honestly the only outcome i thought possible.

(sept. 2013)

this was the morning before i went in for mediation and to sign the papers.  when i got back to ohio in july a lot of things started changing for me. i decided that i would start studying and take the ged test and that i would find something to do that wasn’t all about me or the divorce.  so when i wasn’t at work i studied, i took charlie for many walks a day, i went to the temple once a week, i helped a lady in my ward who need the extra hands and energy to clean and organize her basement, i hiked all the time, i learned about meditation and started adding it into my spiritual practice.  i volunteered with work in our community and i helped a friend as much as i could for her 5k fundraiser. i also started realizing that i wasn’t crying as much or needing to cry, i was able to go for days with out having to cry.  it was such a relief by this time.  i also started to learn to let go of the relationship and of my ex. i had a big shift the week before this was taken where i was able to let go of the idea of him coming back.  and even though i was really sad about it i felt so at peace with it, i knew that i had to if i wanted to get where i wanted to be at it was my next step in trusting in myself and in God.  So i let go and the day of mediation was of such mixed emotions for me.  i was feeling strong in myself, i received my utah high school diploma and  i went in and signed papers that would state that i would no longer be married.   i still wanted a different outcome and was hoping for it, but i was learning to be okay if that didn’t happen.

(nov. 2013)

and this is me now, taken just a little over a week ago.  i am finally fully letting go of the past not just the relationship with my ex but also the past regarding to my childhood.  i realize that i can’t change any of it, we don’t have a reset button nor do i have a tardis to go back and fix all of my mistakes and how my childhood went.  i don’t think that i would want to do that, change my past, its what is going to make me a great person and to help others as well.  it has taught me a lot about who i am and what i want regarding life and in future relationships.  i am now in a new place living on my own but with roommates. i am okay with being single and working on who i want to be and become in life.  i know that i have amazing things in my future and that i will do amazing things and i know that one day i will meet a wonderful man where we are both meant for one another where we have both learned from our past and are whole already, rather than trying to make one another whole.

yes it has been a lot of learning on my part and a lot of trust on a supreme being that i haven’t seen but who i believe and have felt that i will always be taken care of.  from the very beginning i knew that i would be okay that yes it might take a bit of learning on my part on my financials and getting myself set up with a savings but i have always known that God has had a hand in everything and made the path easier for me to walk down.   i know where i am heading but i don’t know how it will all work i just know that it will and its all very exciting to me right now.  i have finally gotten to a point where i am done and ready to fully move on with my life and i am truly enjoying it right now.

with love,

jess

p.s. thank you to all of my family, friends, ward members, employees and employers for their support and love. i have felt so much love by everyone and i am truly grateful and thankful for that. it really has helped in getting me where i am at on my path in life.