i change my mind a lot. my views, my ideals, beliefs, morals and what i want in life changes constantly. i feel at times that i am constantly changing what i want to do in life and what i want to become. and sometimes i don’t really know what i want to become or do. everything to me is fascinating, beautiful and exciting to me. i want to do it all, see it all, become it all. i want the world in my hand, in my heart. sometimes i feel it all in my chest just waiting to burst out, but maybe its really just love. i feel as if i have more love, compassion. i love more and see more beauty in all. and i know what is lacking, i feel it, i know it. i had it once but i know i have it now, which is confusing i know, but i want it deeper and stronger.
i never completely understood it before. it confused me and baffled me. i knew i was lucky and i know to the core of me i was grateful for what i had. but i know now that when you don’t really truly understand something sometimes you don’t really appriciate it. i received it in a time of need of desperation and loneliness. i bagged for it, but then once i realized what i had in front of me i got scared and started running from it. i didn’t feel that i truly deserved it so i couldn’t accept such a gift. i realize that i also received it when i didn’t fully know myself, when i hadn’t fully let go of all the pain that had consumed me emotionally. i knew it was there i just didn’t know how to work through all of that pain. and now, now i feel as if i am letting go, little by little.
i don’t feel as bogged down as i once did, but i also know that i have more to work through and to fully let go and oh how i am ready to let them all go. to truly set them as well as my self free. it was never my intention to hold on as long as i did. and so as i say every night, i release them, i release them of any obligations that i have made for them. they came into my life for a purpose, i learned and they helped me to become who i am today, i love them, but i release all emotional attachments and ideas of them and who i wanted them to be to me.
i know that i have done a lot of work with myself and who i am and what i want to become even when it changes and contradicts something else. i know that what i truly want to do is to help and to connect to others and to see the world in a different way. i suppose that what i am trying to say is i know what i want deep down, what i have always wanted and right now i am asking to receive graciously without any hinderance on my part. i’m not begging, pleading. but saying, i am ready.