waiting.

i finally made it to my year mark this past weekend, i have been anticipating it for many months now.  i wasn’t sure how i would feel but a part of me was hoping i would have this big moment of being lifted in the air and coated in some brilliant light of renewal.  that didn’t happen, i know it must sound crazy but sometimes crazy is exactly what you need.  i can tell you that i finally don’t feel so connected like i have, i don’t feel like i am still married to my ex, i don’t cry every day with what could have been, what i thought should have been, and what has transpired, and i am not waiting any more.  i have gone through this past year waiting.

waiting for him to come back, waiting for me to feel something, waiting for something big to happen, waiting for the next holiday, waiting for the year mark, waiting for the next big thing, waiting for something.   and now, now it’s strange to not be waiting, i should be more relieved and i am in a way  its just that… i now have this door wide open and inviting me to walk through it and i am a little afraid. not because i don’t think i can do it on my own or that i don’t believe i can do anything i want to, but because i can.  i can do everything that i have ever dreamed about and i have nothing holding me back.  i have no obligations but to myself.  and i am afraid of forgetting, i had six beautiful years (to me) with my ex-husband and i don’t want to forget those years or him, or that it will being easy living a life without him in it. or maybe being in love with someone more deeply than i was with him, or possibly no body else living up to some expectation that i have because of him, or that i might rather enjoy being single more than being in the company of a companion/spouse.  and i know that i deserve happiness for myself whether or not i am with someone or not with someone and that is what that door is beckoning me to…

happiness however i see fit for myself, whatever it is, whatever the hight of my imagination can soar to and there it is.

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its strange not feeling married to someone, its strange not being in love with someone, and its strange not waiting for someone else. now i am just waiting on myself to take that first step. and maybe i have all along, maybe this past year was a first step and now i am going to start picking up a good pace that will walk me right out that front door and into the great warmth and sunshine of summer.

with love,

jess

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2 thoughts on “waiting.

    • Thank you Jerusha. I think sometimes it is hard to be honest with ourselves and then to be open to the honesty to others. But writing sure does help me to be more honest with myself and with what I am feeling or not feeling.

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