i have had a long and emotionally draining month and i am ready for it to be over and to have the energy that i once had even a month ago. a part of me has lost hope in myself and the other is trying desperately to keep fighting and going and i have moments were i feel awake again and then i go back into my shell and i hide myself from the world and myself. i have lost interest in everything that i once did and i have no creative flow. i sleep way more than i should be and not that i am a horrible eater or anything but i have notice that i have been gaining weight that i worked so hard to get off and keep off, i have been eating a lot of those comfort foods. i am still walking a lot, more so than just a month ago but it is still not counter acting what i am putting in. i know it shouldn’t matter, but it truly does. for me it effects how i feel about myself and the energy that i have and how i see the world.
depression sucks and i am so tired of it. it has been a constant in my life since my pre-teen years. i never understood it nor how i was feeling and to this day i have a hard time understanding what i am feeling. i at least know better what is going on and i have an idea of what started it and why it is still here this time around. i realized this morning that i am in a battle with my ego and my soul. hanging on to the past, the fear of the future and my inner self ready to be who i was meant to be, be who i dream of being and doing. i took a bit of a hit earlier this month and i felt like i was okay and that it was supposed to happen and that something soon would happen. but i realize that i am afraid to jump full in and i am being weighed down by something i don’t like or enjoy and it is sucking everything out of me. i know that if i just change one thing in my routine in my day that my whole outlook will change and then i know everything else will start following.
this last year with everything that was going on, i finally felt like me and who i always truly deep down thought and knew i was. someone who had come out at intervals but i feel that for the first time i was truly me. i was a happy, joyous, and thankful me. and that is who i want to be all the time, not this. i am finding it hard to even smile and i have a hard time faking how i am truly feeling, faking it until you make it doesn’t always work. i know this won’t last, it can’t last not for my over all health, not for my over all well being. sometimes the only ones to push us out of these states are ourselves, sometimes we have to do something drastic to achieve this. i am giving myself till may 1st, i have already given myself my own consequence and a detailed list for the month of april of what i need to be doing to get back on track.
there is one good side effect to these depressed states and that is the internal dialogue, the constant chatter and internalizing of everything that you are and what you want. i have been able to gain a little more insight of who i am and my wants and our best teachers are sometimes ourselves and we should be in a continual contract with ourselves to learn more. and now i will be pushing myself a little harder than before. these are the times that makes us and i will be made into something, someone great. i have no doubt in that.