when i came back from st. george i got in a frenzied nesting mood to clean and get rid of everything i didn’t need anymore and most important to donate my wedding dress. i tried unsuccessfully for months to sell it, i of course never got anywhere with it but knew i needed to part with it. it took up space in the hallway closet, i was never going to use it again, and it was part of the past that i am trying to heal from and move on from. i knew it was a major momentum for me (so much hope and past future was in all of that fabric). by spring i knew i wasn’t going to sell it. i had to part with it by donating it, letting it go that way. i don’t know how to explain that.
i have always loved that dress and what it meant to me. i imagined making a family blanket with the fabric and baby blessing outfits. but those dreams vanished last spring, but i held onto it hoping for a happy ending. but that’s not my ending anymore and that is okay. so i realized that if i wanted to fully let go, move on and to allow new possibilities into my life i had to clear my space. i was sad, but relieved as well. it was healthy for me. i cried a little that weekend, prayed and asked for a blessing for the dress and myself. i want the dress to go to a bride who is in love and might not have the money to go into a boutique. and i hope that i has, but its not mine anymore, but a part of the story.
for me, it was as if letting go of it was saying i am ready, ready to date, ready for whatever the present and future holds for me. i have allowed room in my life and heart for whatever might happen. and it feels so good, i have felt so much lighter and happier. it is bittersweet at times, i am sad that that part of my life had to end, there are times that i miss it but at the same time i am happy with where i am now, there are many things i have been able to experience and learn. i don’t regret that part of my life, my marriage, my ex, the time we spent but i don’t have to carry it with me everywhere i go. i don’t have to hold onto it when there is nothing for me to hold onto anymore. its hard for people i think, i know it was fore me. we hang on so afraid of moving on and letting go of someone who doesn’t love you anymore, we want to hang onto our comforts even when we know it’s not healthy anymore. we feel the need to hang onto our sadness and anger thinking that if we do than it will show how much we care and love, when really it just keeps all those new wonderful things from entering our lives. so for me that’s what letting go and holding onto my dress was. and i was finally ready to part with it and i had a good push from the *universe.
* universe- i do believe in God/deity/angels/ and the powers that be. i like to lump them all into one sometimes. and i believe in a universal law that governs all of us. call it what you like, i call it the universe with all of the atoms, neutrons, and energy that created us and the stars and our very planet.
**you could also call it new age and me some weird hippy, new age mormon. my mother has called me her flower child since i was little. i thought i came from a flower or was born in the 60’s. i was a very confused child.