rain storms

it’s rained 15 days straight here in utah.  i’ve loved all of this over-casted, snowcapped mountains, and chilly weather.  somedays it will rain not stop with heavy rain drops and other times its on and off or it will rain in the morning or the evening.  it’s kinda like living on the coast somewhere or home.  someday’s i miss ohio, but not enough to move back.  this weather reminds me of the summer evenings of sitting on the porch as the storms come in. thunder in the distant and a flash or two of lightening and the breeze as it picks up.  there’s a smell that comes with storms and the after affect of seeing how vibrant everything looks after words, i look forward to it every single time.

i feel more connected to this bit of the may storm that we are having.  i know it won’t go on forever but i am taking it all in and enjoying what i can out of it.   i see it as a metaphor for my life.  my life like all of ours has had some heavy and long lasting storms that at times feels as if they will last forever and there is just no way out of.  but just like any storm it passes.  the sun starts peaking out of heavy laden clouds, the thunder and lightening is distant and far off or fully gone, the rain lightens up and becomes a sprinkle. then you start seeing the colors in the sky. the oranges, reds, yellows, golds, blues, and purples all there reminding us of sunnier and warmer days ahead and that the storm had purpose to make life on earth abundant.

i see my life like this, i have had the storms and i see the on coming calmness after a heavy storm.  i feel the after energy surge bringing new life to me and i know that bigger things are on the horizon for me.  i have probably done a lot of things in my life backwards and have had to do a lot of restarting but somehow i have always been able to re-find my footing.  like now, i feel the best i have ever felt. more assured in myself, confident in who i am and where i want to be in life. for the first time i am taking care fully of myself rather than others taking care of me.  i could possibly be doing it all wrong but you know- another lesson to be learned.

i took the steps i needed to in my healing process. i went to therapy, wrote it all out, cried, talked it out and then let myself be silent.  the thing that i have learned the last two years is that the process for losing a loved one in death is the same for the recovery of anyone going through the process of healing from a divorce and for anyone who has been molested or rape.  with the case of rape or molestation you have a loss of self. with divorce it feels just like death. one moment they are in your life and the next they are gone.   it took awhile for me to get to the point of acceptance of it all and it feels like a weight was lifted from me when it did.  there is something about being able to look at someone else straight in the eyes and not shy away to not feel uncomfortable because you feel like you have something to hide or that you don’t believe in yourself.

there was a time when i couldn’t see myself past the moment that i was going through, specifically two years ago when everything started happening for me with the divorce.  it took everything i had to just to manage to get out of bed and to do all that i needed to do.  i managed it, but i would lie there and wonder what my life would look like a year, two, five years from that point.  i couldn’t ever imagine what it would look like, all i wanted was the pain to stop and to be able to breath.  and now, now two years later i am going to school, i have the best of friends i couldn’t have imagined having but prayed for, a comfortable home and a steady job.   i now see my life as anything i want it to be, to graduate from college, possibly get a masters, travel around the world and to write and meet lots of wonderful people along the way.  i can see myself having a romantic partner again, having children and growing very old with him.  i can see myself loving deeply and being loved back.

i may not ever be done with a little rain shower here and there but i know i can and will get through them and not just endure but to see the beauty in each one that comes my way.

with love,

jess

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