have you ever had that one crush, the one that you think something just might happen, the one where everyone else thinks that something just might happen but then as time goes on nothing does and you wonder what happened? then you start to think that perhaps maybe you are just crazy and fantasying everything up in your head, that there were no signals and no flirting happening but on your part.

sometimes i think it just gets harder as i get older and having crushes. mostly i just think i am foolish and perhaps childish but then you have that one person that takes you by surprise.  the thing is it wasn’t all of a sudden for me that i was all starry eyed over this person it was several months of small talk as he came into the cafe i work at and some intrigue on my part until one evening after spending a few weeks at a bar where i would study at just to possibly have something happen.  then it was an evening of talking and him asking me questions and then me going into a whole ramble of feminism and something about how i want to save the world and he listened and was interested and after that i was lost and went all down into the rabbit hole.  after that i got lost a little in the crush that magnified and i didn’t realize how much until after one eventful evening after waiting and thinking that he would ask and my impatience of it all that i finally went up to him and asked him out myself.  and when he said yes i was so excited until of course it didn’t happen and i realized how let down i was and how much it hurt.  after some ice cream to console my tendered heart and way to many awkward nervous small talk on my part i decided that it was time to move on. that if nothing had happened by then then nothing would and it was time for me to move on.  so slowly ever so slowly i have been moving on from this one… crush.

i’m not sure why this one has hurt the most, i have gone over and over every scenario and possibility of why and there isn’t one, just that it does. i suppose it really shouldn’t matter the why just that it happened and i have learned some lessons in the process and you know what else i have had fun.  i’ve enjoyed the flirtation and the attention, i’ve enjoyed the thought of possibilities and wonder surrounding but with many things you have to eventually move on. no matter how hard it is sometimes you just know when its time to turn in the towel and move on to the next.

the one thing that i have learned especially this past year and with crushes is that when we allow ourselves to be open to them we allow ourselves to be surprised and to be open to the possibility to love.   so i suppose even after this one i am allowing myself to stay open to having crushes, because you never know what just might happen.

with love,

jess