a letter

i think of you sometimes like now when i should really be studying and instead i have my earbuds in and of course a country song has come on and i wonder if you ever do miss me, if in those silent moments when you are alone, your children are sleeping and your wife is perhaps out and if possibly i slip in there somewhere.

i know it has been years, two if we are counting. sometimes if feels as if it was such a short period of time and yet it feels like a lifetime ago.  it’s strange and yet not so strange you not being here with me.  i have gotten used to it, it was slow going at first i can’t deny that.  i couldn’t fathom the idea of you not being there everyday, not talking to you.  it got better sometime last year when i stopped waking up and forgetting where i was at having to remind myself that you weren’t there.  i stopped wishing for you to come back and started accepting my life for what it was.  but i don’t deny the fact that i think of you.  i wonder how you are doing and i can only hope that you are happy and you have everything you want in life.

i’m sorry, in a way that i wasn’t able to be that for you.  i’m sorry that we couldn’t make it work although maybe now we both know that it wouldn’t have been able to last in the scheme of things.  its interesting how our visions of life can change so quickly.  from being the young blooming couple laying out on the trampoline naming what we hoped would be future children to five years later sitting in a restaurant after years of trying to fight for something that wasn’t working anymore.  something i didn’t want to accept.

there has been something on my mind, something that keeps coming back up something i have been wanting to say and i haven’t, yet.   you see i already knew there was something going on before you told me.   i had awoken after you had come home from work. you were sitting there next to me and i can’t fully describe it but i had this sinking feeling but went into full denial after that. i laid there silently for a bit until i fell back to sleep, i woke the next morning putting if off as a bad dream.  but my mind always wonders back to that night whenever i wake in the middle of the night.   the thing of it is that you had my full trust from the beginning, i trusted you and you told me that i would never have to worry about that.  that, that was the most unforgivable thing someone could do and ironically…..

the thing is, i always let you know how i felt even when it wasn’t so happy. you kept everything in and then said that i wasn’t opening up to you.  i know i had issues when we got together and i was very frank with you about all of them, even to the point that i wasn’t sure it was such a good idea. but you have your charms and i couldn’t deny you. i didn’t want to.  yes in my own way i loved you the best i could by being as open as i could be.  sometimes our truths don’t even surface with ourselves when we’re not ready for them.  i realize that you had your own shields up as well.

i wasn’t the only one.

you told me when you were leaving that i had changed, i’ve changed even more since you have seen me.  that is where the two of us differed, because what you believed of me changing was me knowing that i was growing as a person. working through what i believed, what i thought for myself, who i wanted to be and what i wanted to be.  but i have always been the same person.  have had grown even more in two years with a lot of soul searching and now i just have a lot more confidence in myself.  which makes me even more enjoyable to be around with even more of those hilarious one liners i can just pull out of my sleeves.  in all seriousness, i am the same in a way as i was when i was 20, just with more confidence, more depth, more of who i want to be. i have more confidence to say what it is that i want in life.  that i did not have at 20, i was more fickle.  i wanted to please everyone else, stick to the crowd, be more of who i thought i was supposed to be.  when i was doing way more of that i lost my sense of who i was and i depended more on you for all those things.

for that i am sorry.

you asked me one day if i had still believed in soulmates and if i was your soulmate, yes to both.  i do believe that we were meant for each other for a time. i do believe there was a purpose for us being together, for whatever reason.  i also want children as well and hopefully one day that will happen but if it doesn’t it won’t be the end of me.  my happiness isn’t realized on another human being anymore.  yes i would make a wonderful mother but i also make a fantastic aunt as well.  i know that i can and do have a purposeful life with out them.  i also know that if i couldn’t get myself to being happy with who i am and where i am at in life then having children, being married would never fully make me happy.  i am sorry that i depended so much on you to do that for me.  i also want someone to love me for who i am and not dependent on whether i can produce children.

you told me when you left that it would be hard on me with you leaving.  i was so peeved that you said that. i wanted to smack you right there instead i just looked at you.  i decided that i would tell myself everyday after that and if anyone asked that it wasn’t hard you not being there.  but it was hard…at first and then i learned to be okay with being alone.  but you know sometimes life is just difficult no matter what and it all depends on how we choose to view it.  i chose that time to be a learning experience for myself i used it for soul searching and really figuring out what i wanted.  so yeah it was hard, but no harder than anything else that is ever thrown at us in life.

anyways, i think that is all i wanted to say.

yours truly,

jess

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