my mind has been wondering lately and i haven’t been able to keep up with everything that needs to be done.  i had a bit of a breakdown a month ago, i was doing way too much for myself. adding everything i thought i could fill into my calendar. nothing was off limits to me.  so i added and added until finally my body and emotions caught up to me and all of a sudden i was in hysterics leaving a bar after a night of downing one to many whiskey glasses and with little sleep that last week and nothing in my stomach.   i know better than this and yet i thought i was fine, i wasn’t fine my emotions that i had been pushing down had finally caught up to me after telling someone a little of how i felt about him.   i should have known this was close to happening my body always tells me.

i get eczema breakouts and i have since i was a child.  when ever i am stressed or feeling stress from others i all of a sudden have a night of an itch fest and in the morning i awake with a rash that has spread like wildfire.  it eventually leaves me tired, distracted and in pain.   in the last month i have had one of the worst breakouts i have had in the last three years.  the only option i have had is to pull back from everything and stay at home and to finally think and feel about what i have been trying to run away from since this summer which is… the truth.

i have been pinning away at someone who i had hoped for a long time would give me more than just sitting into the late of the night at a bar and talking about all of his trepidation’s of everything he has been going through and working towards.  i enjoyed the attention he was giving me and at first i felt safe in the fact that it was nothing at least just to me.  i could flirt without there ever being any notice but myself and perhaps hopefully him.  i fell for him over the summer and hard.  i had done everything i could do with out fully proposing my full feelings for me, waiting patiently for him to do or say something.  i listened intently, dutifully to him giving advice where needed.  i tried to be supportive, friendly and curious about him and his life.  i enjoyed the way he talked to me and especially the way he looked at me.  his eyes, always his eyes.  i gave him excuses where there where faults.  i allowed myself to be lesser- thinking i was giving him time with his situation and that he would finally be more proactive with me once everything settled. after months of waiting and resolving myself that i would wait however long he needed. he only needed to tell me something even small how he felt for me, instead i only got his stares, deep penetrating stares from him.  it drove me crazy, he drove me crazy.  he wanted me around and near but never wanting to say anything.  instead i felt it all without it being mentioned.

i kept telling myself and praying that i was good for him, i would be what he wanted and needed in a partner.  i wanted to be that for him i wanted him to see me.  i realize though now my errors in this.  something i didn’t want to see or couldn’t see before.   and then one night after work and downing those drinks and he came over and was talking to me i told him i was jealous, something i generally am not.  but i had been watching him in a certain situation and it hurt deeper than i had ever felt and there i was sitting on a bar stool telling him this and wanting him to dig deeper into my feelings, for him to tell me the same.  that he noticed the others and that he didn’t like it, that he wanted to be the only one and there was nothing.  he walked away and i was left to myself in my intoxicated self to rationalize it all.  so i did the only thing i had been fending off for months, i cried, not a surface cry, a deep rumbling cry that felt as if the source was from the ground up through my feet and out of my mouth. All the men in my life and the abandonment i have felt re-surfaced once again. i kept crying for a week  and my eczema worsened and has mostly kept me home.  i realized something the other day while in the mineral baths trying to sooth and calm my irritated skin that my skin is feeling everything on the outside that my heart is shutting out and numbing from.

everything i had hoped for and wanted hasn’t worked out the way i thought it would.  i am drained of energy and heartbroken over my current affairs. i had given too much of myself but that is who i am, no matter how hard i try to hide my feelings, how much i try to protect myself i always end up falling and wear all emotions for all to see.

i know i would be good for him but in the long run he wouldn’t be good for me.  if there is any lesson in this its that i know better of what i want and need in a partner.  i am in no rush, but i do wish for a partner who is equal to me in all things.

with love,

jess