Another year…

draft

here we are at yet another year; the start, beginning, renewal.  i’m not one for making resolutions or new years goals.  i think i know myself well enough by now that i know that i will never finish them, start them or i will just completely forgot about them and by june i am cursing myself for not being better.  instead i like to reassess the past year to figure out what worked, what didn’t work and what it is the i am needing or wanting.

i have had a lot of time to think about all of this as i walk to and from work everyday.  i ponder about where i am at, what i am doing, what it is that i am wanting, where i want to be, how far i have come and what more i need to do.  after everything that has happened in the last year, specifically in the last two/three months i decided that i needed a break.  just time to recoup, reorganize to just breath.  i have to remind myself to breath and i forgot which ended in small anxiety/panic attacks.  i hold my breath waiting for the pain, emotion, thought to subside to go away and realize  everything is closing in on me.   in a way it’s my own fault.  i allowed myself to get to busy.

2015 started out busy and just kept going from there.  i had just started a new job, i started school with a full schedule, started dating more, got involved with activities at school, added a second job, made new friends, moved a couple times and then found myself falling in love and by the end of the year letting go…still trying to let go of it all.

i did a lot of work on myself last year, building my self esteem, my confidence, learning to laugh when falling down.  I worked on being a little more open and the biggest letting go. always learning to let go with me, forgiving myself and others.  i suppose i succeeded and failed all at the same time and that is just life.  peeling layers of yourself, down to the core of you. there is always still more work to be done, but i am tired and i just don’t care anymore.

i am grateful for what 2015 taught me and gave me but i am so ready to start 2016 by retreating, resting…breathing.  i am going to enjoy this time of solitude, this time of rest and peace. this time of quietness. i am going to be grateful for where i am at life, be grateful for this winter and what it has to offer. then i am going to allow whatever to happen..happen because i just don’t have the fight in me anymore.

with love,

jess

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