thoughts over pho

im finally starting to warm up from my walk home tonight. Tuesday’s are generally a little bit longer of a shift, closing followed by poetry and pho. It’s my date night for myself. Reflecting, letting the loneliness settle in until it lifts and slowly I feel something else…volunerablity.  I feel the most volunerablity when I am in a room full of people and sitting there at a table, bar by myself.  It effects me differently each time and I notice it effects others as well. I like that it makes others feel uncomfortable, me sitting there by myself, comfortable with myself as I sit at a table, a bar. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I am outside of the pack. Alone. And I am comfortable with it.

Being alone isn’t so bad which I realized again tonight as I sat at the bar in the restaurant, taking in the aroma of my pho letting it warm my cheeks. Some people have chicken noodle soup to comfort them I have seafood pho for mine. Every morsel comforting, warming me up. Giving energy and reminding me that perhaps in time that I won’t always have this time to reflect like this. Let dissapointments and such to slowly fade away and turn subtly into flirtation, yes with myself. I day dream sitting there allowing myself to go where I try very hard not to.  I take a few seconds after every few bites reading a few words and then think about the one from my dreams, he very well might not exist but only in my mind and I am perfectly okay with that, but I allow it, more so lately than before.  I trace back with each dream, their frequency of them and then I wonder- It could be anyone or yet still no one.

I think about my home, the home that i get to start myself. Create myself. It’s getting a lot closer. I have been day dreaming about, believing that it is there for me.  I think about what I am going to fill it with- love and tea. Creation. I know this is another new chapter, possibly even the beginning of a new book. I think last year could have filled one up all alone and I let it be that.  But this is something new I have never had for myself and I feel it so close, feb? This I tell myself. As I walk home I think about how I will walk in, with the pup to greet me, then the kettle ready to boil for my tea. A little night walk for Charles, then my tea possibly a light dinner and turn on the candles and I sit at my desk, computer and notebook and I write with a little help from Stevie. And all is calm.

This month has gone by quickly and yes I am ever grateful.  I have been busy or at least haven’t had much time to ponder about the what ifs.  I am slowly starting to regain my energy back, I feel it flowing through me at night.  I am getting back to be me, naturally me. Happy, content ready for anything but still humble enough to realize that I needn’t control but to let go and allow what needs to happen to happen. So instead I have been dancing January out. Dancing is becoming normal again, so has laughing.  And all back to loving myself again. Back to treating myself with respect, with kindness and patience. Allowing myself the time I needed. And here I am out of it quicker than I thought it would be.  Broken hearts do have their purposes, sometimes we just have to go through a few of them for the lessons to be fully clear or new ones made.  If we let them we let them make us stronger and in a good way to be more open, more volunerable.

And maybe this is what I am learning, to be volunerable. More so than I have been.. To be truthful with myself. First with myself and then with others.  I’m still not there. And I realize this because I’m still afraid of someone stealing, diminishing my dreams.  I realize that I can never fully set my dreams in real motion if I can’t be honest about them.  The fact that I know exactly what I want out of life, my life. This life.  I’m working on it, steadly, slowly. Parts I am truthful with the other not so much. Eventually, the time will come. Either I will be to late or right on time.

And this is where January has brought me. Maybe it hasn’t been all bad.

It’s been rather good.

With love,

jess

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