i will be writing for the month of february of my past loves. those i loved, those who loved me and those who came close. the ones who made in impact, the ones i still think about today, the ones i still wonder and those who i hope and pray for. these are the lovers who i learned how to love and to be loved. these were my lessons i cherish.
he was a few years older than me and my best friend’s brother. they were always together- the super close siblings that reminded everyone of twins but weren’t. i was always tagging along with them. they were from the big city in the desert, a place i couldn’t even point to a map on but of stories of life with lights and always something to do unlike the sleepy town they had moved to.
it wasn’t until the valentines of my 8th grade year that he took notice of me. his sister had known, everyone knew i had a crush on him and my infatuation had only grown stronger after we had all left our sleepy town for a year. they went back to the city of lights and i went to an even quieter sleepy village. when he came back he had slimmed even more, become more charismatic and had the look of a teenage greek god. my best-friend and i would discuss how perfect it would be if in some distance future he and i would marry and then she and i would be sisters. they were mormon, i was mormon and in my 14 year old version of myself it was the perfect outcome, perfect plan. we would run laps around the high school football field to discuss how to get her brother to notice me a little more than just a friend or his little sister’s best friend.
that february, she hinted that he might be having a slight crush on me. on nights that i would spend the night he and i would stay up and talk about life, girls, boys, religion and how we would get out of our little farm town. it was too quiet and small for him and for me there was more to see and people to meet. we laughed and talked seriously about what ever was on our minds. nothing was off topic for us, there was no judgements between us. each of us having a safe place to open and to have the feedback that we needed. for me attachment grew not having much intimacy in the forms of deep conversations with men in my family or outside of family it was the first time i felt like i was being heard, a truthful part of myself where i felt safe to be me. caring, thoughtful & openminded.
so for valentines that year, i was surprised when we all got to their house and i was given by him a medium, red teddy bear. that teddy bear meant everything to me at that moment. that valentines for the first time i had had an admirer, a valentine, someone who had thought of me. it meant everything. i always had felt like the girl who no one saw, the girl that got passed on valentines. but not that valentines. i hugged that red bear all day, slept with it that night and for several nights after words and it had a spot on my bed for the duration of my teenage years.
he and i dated shortly after that, it didn’t last for very long. but for that month my head was in the clouds and for a 14 year old life was perfect. planning and mapping out our life together. it was the high light of he spring, driving around in “the boat”, listening to hip hop and r&b, driving too fast and being free. unfortunately he was a few years older than me and i was never going to go too far. friendships changed, evolved some had to be let go of. he was the first one to break my heart outside of the men in my family. it took me a good little while to get over him, for the crush and my fantasy to be over.
he has, thankfully never been fully out of my life and i am grateful for that. i have learned a lot from him. as years have passed and we have gotten older and have learned from our own mistakes and lessons we are still able to every so often be able to catch up with the same safe place to be free and be ourselves to open up and talk and with out any judgement.