i will be writing for the month of february of my past loves. those i loved, those who loved me and those who came close. the ones who made in impact, the ones i still think about today, the ones i still wonder and those who i hope and pray for. these are the lovers who i learned how to love and to be loved. these were my lessons i cherish.
the cowboy, he was my first true love. i spent countless evenings waiting for his phone call. i would stay up till late in the night falling asleep with the phone between my cheek and pillow listening to him talk and breathing as we both would drift off. we were teenagers, with hormones and too many miles to count between us. but what we did have was our conversations and dreams to last us through.
we met at church, they moved to ohio and was only there for a year and i was instantly drawn to him but to shy to say anything. he was also a year younger than me and we lived in different towns. we didn’t start talking to one another until right before he moved back west the summer before our junior year. we started out emailing and writing to each other through the post. it was a friendly exchange, keeping him up to date with everything going on back in ohio. and then slowly we started talking more, i got a cell phone and it was text messages and phone calls. then summer came and we were on the phone everyday talking and somewhere “i love you”, “i miss you”, “wish you were here”, “how do we get you out here” and then i bought a ticket for the week before our senior year to visit him. that was one of the best experiences i had had and the most nerve wracking. all the what ifs, should i’s, and what does this mean flooded in. i doubted myself only for a few moments, but then it was all so worth it to me.
i spent the week with him and his family in the country, meeting his family and falling for him even more. he showed me more of the state, where he was from and the first time i had fully been shown romance. we danced in his living room, made out like crazy teenagers on bails of hay, took rides in his truck and carved our names on a little rickety bridge. i fell in love with him even more and we were both so sure of everything and how our lives would turn out. and we wondered if it was all real, and yes it was.
we made plans of a life we wanted to live, i would go off to collage, he would work for some ranches up north and then we would settle down with a ranch of our own out west. somewhere between the mountains and the desert. i envisioned my life as a ranchers wife, living way out west in the country. living a very simplistic life with a sturdy white farm house, with land, some cattle, horses a barn and a cowboy for a husband. at the time i thought that was what i wanted, that was what he wanted and well i loved him.
eventually as all first loves go, we started slipping away. it doesn’t matter who was the first one to push away. its bound to happen when you are young and in love for the first time. it hurt, for awhile and my heart broke and ached for a long time to have him back in my life. he was my best-friend & my confident. he helped me get over my qualms about marriage and relationships. that relationship was the first time i had fully felt my heart hurt and break. it was painful with a lot of crying and praying, asking and begging to get over him. a lot of driving in the middle of the night with country music, listening to everything that reminded me of him.
i know we could of had an actual chance if i would have let it, there was a moment but i made a choice and i took the safer route. and at the time that was what i had needed. it took me years to fully be over him and to not wonder if i made the wrong choice. but i have the memories and i know that i am where i am supposed to be and so is he. but whenever i hear a george strait song i always think of him and that time we had together.
specifically this one….
oh those bittersweet memories.