i’m the crazy one

draft-2/24/16

i’m the crazy one- don’t judge me for who i was when you up and left and i had to learn to just survive.  you weren’t there to see me cradling myself on the floor begging god for you to come home as tears flowed down my face.

i’m the crazy one- don’t judge me because i sat there on the phone as you told me over and over again that i just never listened to you, how you tried so many times to talk to me. and i sat silent, listening to you.

i’m the crazy one- don’t judge me as i woke up every night for months at the same time every night waiting to hear your car pull in the drive from work. every night the same dream replaying over and over again.

i’m the crazy one- don’t judge me for telling god i hated him because i couldn’t have children and it was the only way you wanted to stay, to be with me.

i’m the crazy one- don’t judge me as i tried rebuilding a sense of who i was, some sort of form of confidence because i depended so much of it from you.

i’m the crazy one-don’t judge me for seeing the world for what it was but also knowing what it could be.  that the pain of the world was felt on my shoulders.

i’m the crazy one- don’t judge me for having hope that you would come home for so long, because i believed that marriage was something to always be working on, believing that you wouldn’t just give up.

i’m the crazy one- don’t judge me for wanting you to just see me.

i’m the crazy one- don’t judge me because of my walls that i had built and crafted for so long to protect me.  you forgot to notice that i had been chiseling away at each brick.

i’m the crazy one- don’t judge me because i have found a new way at life. a life that i have built to be stronger.  to take the time to get to know myself and who i am.  to be okay with the loneliness.

i’m the crazy one-don’t judge me because i don’t want a life of just settling and compromises, a life where someone is placid and has no backbone for himself. someone who isn’t afraid to hurt my feelings, not because he wants to but because he isn’t afraid to speak is mind.

i’m the crazy one-don’t judge me because i mourned for a life that was once lived, a life that we thought was beautiful and full of laughter. a life of dreams and promises broken and shattered.

i’m the crazy one- don’t judge me for after this still believing in love and that i can still have my dreams and live them too.

 

-jessica raye

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