searching

i find myself going back and forth of writing and then deleting, i start out with a letter then delete, i try to create a poem then delete.  i sit back trying to figure out what it is that i feel. i search facebook looking, knowing i won’t find him there.  i search anyways, hoping for something.  it seems to be the thing with the men in my life always hiding themselves, making themselves disappear.  i suppose it is better that way, i’m still not sure what i would say or do.  maybe its best to never know, leave it buried.

i made him a nice little plot and a headstone.  i gave him a simple and compassionate service. respectable.  its easier than the truth. i am good at lying and i wonder if he is too. we both live with our own lies.  both of us don’t exist to one another,although with out him there would be no me.

i find it easier to write about ex loves and lovers i wish i could have rather than writing about a man who should have loved me but didn’t.  its easier to write about all of those other choices of getting married, divorced, not being able to have sex, going to school, falling for a man 12 years older than me than writing about a father who will never love me.  its easier to lay in a bed with a man i don’t even know than to think about someone who has been burring me for 28 years.  its easier to do this than to hate him.

i have only wanted to be seen to be remembered. yet i know that he will never see me, the person he helped create and he tries so hard to forget me. but i cannot.  i have only wanted to be loved to feel love from him and yet i don’t even know what to call him.

i try to love myself, to create these new ideas of who i am, what i want to become and i am always blocked he always comes back up and the pain is just too much to bare.  i know i have to forgive him but i don’t know how to.  is it easier to forgive a man you don’t know versus someone you do?  he’s there always there at the end of every string i try to unravel, the root of everything.  i want so badly to forgive him not because he deserves it but because i do.  i deserve to be free from the pain and burden.

there is always so much say and so little that comes out.

i wish that my love for him didn’t break my heart so.

jess

 

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