without fear

“your not afraid of anything, are you?”  he was standing near the dinette looking down at his phone. his voice has a certain laugh to it as he said it. i was sitting up in the drivers seat looking at everything, opening up everything i could to get a good look, get the feel for it.  i had just asked him what some button did that was near me.

“no, not really.”  i flipped down the visor, nonchalant.  fear is an interesting thing.  as i journey into this new phase of my life, this new me, one who chases after her dreams living them, planning them out into reality.  if i had lived my whole life in fear i would never have moved to utah.  i wouldn’t have married a young man who in the end taught me more about what i wanted in life and about love.  i wouldn’t have been able to sign those papers and walked home with my head held high.  i wouldn’t have studied night and day for months to finally take the ged test and then to pass it.   if i had allowed fear i wouldn’t have taken those steps to push myself to go back to school, apply and get myself into college and do my first year along with working two jobs.

what it comes down to is i allow my heart to guide me.  learning to listen and feel everything out. taking my time, reminding myself of the little girl i used to be who dreamed of traveling to far away lands, meeting new and interesting people, seeing nature first hand, seeing history. so i listen each time as my heart sends shots of little hard pings in my chest reminding me of who i am and what i want in this life.

so i sat there in the drivers seat of a little used rv looking around, wondering if this one is a good fit and if i could see myself living, writing, traveling to those far away places.  i sat there as i felt it all out, the pings, the overwhelming feeling of excitement, joy and those first drops of tears whelling up in my eyes.

and our answers always lie within us.

with love,

jess

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