a new day

i felt way more relaxed today after decisions have all been made.  being able to take in deeper breaths more clearly is refreshing.  i woke early this morning and was able to go over my finances, i needed to see more clearly where my expenses are going and where i can be pulling back from.  its tedious and uncomfortable but what i have been realizing is i don’t want to feel stuck anymore, barely treading water. so the hard work must begin so that  way it isn’t so hard anymore.

i had had a thought last week about finances and my livelihood and i didn’t realize how long it would take to bounce back to feel financially stable after the divorce.  no one told me, though i didn’t have much to begin with when i had gotten married in the first place. we were just kids really, neither one of us had any sort of savings.  so i felt like i have just been at square one this whole time.  truthfully i never had a real education with finances, sort of in school they give you some fake figure with a fake career and estimations on debts and such.  i suppose i did okay with that but that’s fake money.  what about when you are a server or any other number of jobs making minimum wage and trying to make a living as well as save something for your future or dreams?  that would be more realistic to me.  how much are you paying out of your pocket for school this semester or paying off a back semester, what about your phone bills, rent, paying off a credit card or something else? these are real expenses with real money.  what is the expectation vs the reality of your expenses.  so these are the questions that i have been thinking about today.  what is my expectations (goals) and what is my reality?

so after work today i went home, cleaned my self up and printed off my resume.  i realize i am going to have to get a part time job for the summer to help my pay off a few things and to really save the money i would like to.  i have a goal i would like to be at by the end of the summer.  its going to be a lot of dedication and will power to see it through, but i have done it before and i know i can again.  what are my dreams worth to me?  this is a question i will have to answer for myself every single day.

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after getting my resume out i headed up to the mountain trails.  to stretch my legs, breath in the air, contemplate everything and of course clear my mind.  the trails are generally quiet and its a good reminder of knowing that you are alone or perhaps in solitude.  i have always liked my alone time, me time. but i realize that for the first time that i am alone (not in a relationship).  its not a bad thing, i just realize that the day will come that i will be living on my own.  i have been hesitant to do so, its nice to know when someone is around.  its some sort of transition period for me right now and i can feel it when i am hiking the trails.

a verse from the national parks- glow, played in my mind as i hiked around

“but i saw something new, when i saw you glow, into the night, and you light up my world, is this what its like, is this what its like.”

i love this verse in so many ways but possibly more because i am relating it to me now. i’m not in a relationship but……

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is this what its like? coming into something new not sure what it is or where your going for certain but you can just feel it. i thought about this and how i have forgotten what it is like to be in a relationship, i only know how to be single.  though it feels different, like i am coming into some new level of singleness. maybe its more of being comfortable with it, i think that might be it. i am comfortable in my singlehood state, but perhaps a little more than just being comfortable.  i’m not sure but something i have been pondering.

and can people glow even while being single? or is it just for those falling in love?

with love,

jess

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