How I choked and you can to! 

Wednesday morning I rode my bike to work parked it walked to the door and there taped on the glass front door was a half ripped piece of  journal paper with my name scrulled on it. To say I was a little bit excited, well we could say that.  It doesn’t happen very often, actually it hasn’t happened in 10 years. It left a smile on my face for days.  

 I had met the gentleman the evening before.  We had started up a conversation and when my friends were ready to leave I didn’t want to leave without leaving some little possibility. So I wrote a small note, left him my name and number and put it under his drink when he walked away.   I had taken a chance on the odds. 

When I got home that night I noticed he had texted and thanked me for the note. The next morning when I received mine I texted back thanking him for mine.  We eventually set up a date.  The week leading up to the date I wasn’t sure how I was feeling about it.  I wanted to be excited but I also wanted and needed to be realistic.  I don’t believe the so called “dating games” that people believe are happening are really happening. I think, after mulling it over the “games”are in actuality in our minds. We play ourselves.  We don’t allow ourselves to get excited about someone, about the possibility. We become jaded, afraid and tired with dating.  Its hard to stay positive out there to try to show our best selves at times. We over think, over analyze every small detail in our minds until every possible ending has been concluded. Stories that’s what we create, and that is what I did. 

We have a hard breakup, one too many aweful first dates and maybe even too many one night stands that leave us feeling empty.  So like anyone i went in to the date guarded. I allowed the day preceding the date to get to me.  I choked, I wasn’t as out going and possibly as friendly and open as usual. Friends, he certainly did not deserve that from me. I am overly picky about those I choose to date. I won’t deny that and I also believe I have every right to be choosy in who I spend my time with. We all do. Yet, at the same time I also realize that I sometimes try for perfection.  Which can’t always be realized or expected on another person.  I have an idealistic expectation on dating and when something might not happen the way I see it happening I might become a little closed off from the other without them knowing. Unfair, I know. 

As someone who is overly picky about who I possibly, would want in a partner, the man had some very specific qualities that I am looking for.  Its rare to meet someone with what I am looking for, i realize that i might not have so many oppuritunites come around, yet I choked.  I was guarded, off. I know the probablity of my meeting someone who wants the same things in life as me is an oddity. Yet i try, i hope and if not i know i will also be okay. But I keep the note in my wallet to remind me to be at my best and also for the possibility of one of those rare second chances. That maybe the universe will throw me another line from somewhere. 

With love, 

jess 

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