I wrote a post a year and a half ago about my very personal difficulties in my marriage stemming from sex. During those years I had vaginisum but didn’t know there was a name to it, that there were/are others who had the same problem as I did.
Due to the shame and lack of conversation on sex I felt very isolated. Going online helped me a little. I started researching and found a few sites that discussed sex, ways to help it opened the conversation in a very private and safe setting. I still wasn’t sure what the problem was on my part I was clueless and a little in denial.
When my ex shortly left I made a decision to go to a hypnotherapist. She was highly recommended to me. So every Monday for three months I drove down to Lehi. I would walk into her small white farmhouse cottage, sat on her couch in her office filled with books. I would cry or try to hold back my tears and we would work on me. Everything from how I viewed sex, how I felt about it, what my relationship was with my parents, and how my parents relationships where in my view point.
Everything that revolved around sex was either dirty, multipulation or abuse and power. It was either my job to protect my body from how others viewed it or that no matter what I did my body was not my own. Sex was dirty and it was a duty not something to enjoy or encourage. It didn’t help that my body would freeze up and become like a brick wall while trying for intercourse.
My therapist within two sessions asked me if I had ever been raped or molested as a child. She told me to go home and talk with my mother and family and to talk to them about any possible sexual abuse that might have occurred. She felt very certain that something had. E alarms were all there, from how I viewed sex and my body, how penetration was agonizing and my low libido.
When I finally broached the subject with my mother she confirmed what was believed. We discussed what happened and why I possibly would have blocked the memory. Our bodies and minds are very interesting in how it functions to survive. For myself survival meant burring the abuse along with many other memories from that time. My body on the other hand remembered and kept it there. Protecting me from any other possible abuse, even when as an adult it was meant to be consensual.
After going back to my therapist we did a lot of work to try and heal the damage inside of me. We focused on my thoughts and correcting them and to learn to not think of my body as damaged but whole, healing loving and protecting. I also had a lot of work to do on my own. I was able to go to an obgyn and get checked as well as discuss my issues and what I needed to do to correct and prepare myself for future healthy sex life.
My doctor directed me to buy a training vibrator. That the use of the vibrator would hopefully correct and help my body to be more excepting of penetration. The use of the vibrator felt awkward and unnatural. I stuck with it and also worked on correcting those deep rooted negative thoughts I had.
It took me years to get to place I was comfortable with sex, comfortable with my body and my image of who I was and my part in sex.
For those who suffer, who have suffered there is hope and recovery from vaginismus. It takes work, compassion and opening the dialogue to others and yourself. Researching, therapy and practice helped me along to where I am now. Forgiving my body for what I thought was failure, excepting and learning to move forward with my life in all other aspects added to my already rewarding life.
Take time out for yourself, learn your ins and outs. Dig into your past find out what works for you. The time does come when clarity, forgiveness and moving forward happen.
Your not in this alone.