Yesterday I was riding down from my bank to kafe merc and for a moment I couldn’t remember the date. Does it really matter at this point? This time of the year always gives me time for pause. More than just the fact that the weather is slowly shifting or the leaves starting to change and fall, litering the ground with its leaves and color. I realize the shifts and change in myself as fall approaches and sets in.
Three years ago Kelsey and I woke early to drive to Provo to pick up local energy bars that were being donated to us for the 5k that we (mainly Kelsey) was putting on. She drove as we drank our coffee and I watched out the passanger window, silent. Trying to calm my nerves, quiet my mind and find stillness within myself. Trying with everything I could to keep the tears at bay for as long as possible.
Kelsey started talking and i was grateful that it wasn’t on the conversation I had buzzing in my mind. She talked about the 5k everything we needed to finish doing that week to prepare for that upcoming Saturday. We talked about a hike we wanted to do, a trip we wanted to start planning. About the new guy she was starting to see (which is now her husband). We talked about everything except about what I would have to do later that day. I was grateful.
My tears couldn’t hold they started falling my words choking as I answered her back. I’m sorry, I’d tell her. Though I didn’t have to. She understood. “He doesn’t deserve you.” She told me. She lifted me up and encouraged me. “Your a good person, you try and you get back up and keep climbing.” I nodded trying to take everything she was saying in. Trying to believe her. “Your a strong Women, Jess.”
“One day this will be nothing to you, one day you’ll meet someone who see’s who you really are. One day you’ll see yourself…..”
And what we did a lot during those time she had me list of what I was grateful for. Better to stay positive. So I listed.
“1. For rainy days, 2. Charlie, 3. Best friends, 4. A home, 5 a job, 6 music, 7 toothpaste, 8 hardtimes.”
I listed them, stopping to think on each one, stopping to choke down my cries.
We pulled up into provo , into the parking lot and we had a few minutes to wait before the store opened. It was cloudy, chilly a perfect mold for the day. We stepped out looking up to the mountains.
“Stop there.” Kelsey told me. “Let’s take a picture of you. ” so I posed and she snapped. “This can go on your blog, for you to remember that your strong, that your a writer, that your going places. ”
We got the bars, thanked the owners and drove back to Ogden. My nerveness, anticipation didn’t go away but I calmed down a bit until making our way around the bend to Ogden.
” I can do this.” I repeated over and over.
We drove in to Ogden as if time slowed. My mind wondering. She pulled onto my street then up to the curb in front of the house. She stopped. “I’ll pick you up and drive you down. We’ll get some coffee before.” I nodded.
I went inside, grabbed my mail. Flipping through each one. I had a few hours before mediation. I thought about taking a nap but couldn’t do it. I grabbed my outfit I had picked out weeks before. Laying my skirt, blouse, shoes out on the bed. I got in the shower, soaked and prayed. I got out and as I always did during that time. I layer on the floor, crying and praying. Asking for peace, asking for calmness, for comfort. I layed there, crying and quiet letting each one soak in. Drifting in and out of sleep. When I was ready I got up, did my hair, makeup dressed and waited for Kelsey to pick me up.
That whole day is engrade in my mind. I think about who I was then and who I am now. Laying there those few years ago I tried to imagine what my life would look like a year, two years, three and five years in the future. I had a hard time imagining myself not as myself then. Heartbroken, in pain and lost. Yet I did it everyday. Who did I want to be, what did I want, what did it look like traveling, writing, being in a new relationship. How did it feel being a strong version of myself, more sure, more positive. What did it look like for myself being happy?
Who I am now is who I wanted to be three years ago, where i am in my life was what I couldn’t imagine but tried. I couldn’t fathom any of this but I put in the work, kept moving forward even when I thought I was going back words.
Time heals, shifts and changes us. Makes us stronger gets us closer to where we want to be. I have learned to be patient, more compassionate and understanding of others as I have given myself those allowances.
I am grateful for the last three years of my life. Those experiences could fill a novel, the last eight, nine years as well. Yet as each novel ends as either happy or sad a new one begins. I regret nothing during those time. They are mine, to either share or keep to myself. Yet they benifit myself and others in either a direct or indirect way.
And now as then I am ready to at least end that particular novel and to start a new one.
She stood out in the summer rain on 25th street. Laughing to herself, her arms flung high in the air. She danced as she once did as a child. She neither cared nor worried how others saw her. The rain washed and renewed her or perhaps she realized that it happened slowly. She was strong, competent, happy, beautiful. She had all she needed and more. Thankful and grateful for the past, for the present and what life had to offer her. There was a stillness a newness of something to come. Something Big, closer than she had ever been. She tasted it on her lips as if she tasted the rain that fell and dripped and gathered above her lip. Tasting each drop.