I’ve been having a difficult time trying to write anything down, I have been finding more ways to distract myself claiming that I have been opening myself up for creative thought processing. There is only so much hiking and exploration in the name of creativity till you realize that nothing is getting written down.
So this is an attempt, an attempt to steady my self in practice to write…. Something.
Back in September when Jordan and I started dating we realized how much we had in common and one of those the biggest was the fact that I was working on, trying to figure out how to buy an rv and than live in it full time and Jordan was already doing that. He had bought his van a year and half previously and living in it full time while working in town. We discussed a lot about travel, where we had been and where we wanted to go, some of our dreams and how to align those together. So we took some weekend trips in September and by the end of the month we had started talking about taking a long trip back east and moving myself and Charlie into the van.
It was nerve wracking trying to go through what I had left, what I needed and what I didn’t and then moving what I have into Jordan’s storage unit and organizing space in the van for my clothes. Though really, that’s not the hardest part, I sort of enjoy the thrill of organizing and throwing things out. Moving in with someone is a learning curve, though I don’t know if it is any easier if it’s after only a month or a year. Especially when you are moving into someone else’s space, in a van and then jet setting out on the road for two months.
I enjoyed for the most part for myself, getting to visit my family and best friend and seeing what we could on the road. There was a lot of learning opportunities, personal growth and learning about one another. The east coast trip was revealing on expectations and the realities of our own situation. We wondered and talked in length how full timers are able to financially cover all their expenses and be able to have some sort of livelihood.
For Jordan it was a lot of being stuck in the van with little space to spread out for work and not getting outside to hike, explore, ride and sightsee as I was able to. There was a lot of balancing drive time and his working hours to get us from one place to the next, so while we were on the road Jordan was exhausted and frustrated with not being able to exercise. He was also frustrated with finances and making sure we got back to Ogden before any major storms or chilly tempatures.
For myself I was constantly being pushed out of my comfort, getting lost and not feeling as confident in myself as I usually do. I was constantly on the go without being able to have some down time to just rest my body and mind from everything and a space to do that in. I felt guilty for Jordan having to work while I was out exploring and playing and then felt guilty on days when I didn’t want to go out exploring because Jordan was working and not wanting to miss every opportunity to be out. The trip took a bit out of my self esteem with trusting my own judgements, intimidation of being on the road and being in a new relationship.
Perhaps there is always a little intimadation within a relationship, for me its dating someone who is more independent than myself, who has taken solo biking trips and who has had a little more life lessons than myself. So there is a part of me that wants to impress him, that if he can do it so can I-and do it without any complaints. The intimadation also kept me from opening up and voicing my frustrations, which is where my own independence kicks in as well. When you are so used to going through everything yourself it becomes tricky to allow someone in to experience it with you, to. Allow someone to be your confidante and voice of reason when you are so used to being that for yourself.
And here living in a van and relationships collide for me. To me being single is much easier, I know what I like, what I want to do and where I want to go. I don’t have to answer to anyone and I can keep to myself. Relationships take work, are frustrating and can be drama filled at times. Yet at the same time I realize that it’s rewarding working along side someone with the same goal as you, who cares for you and wants the best for you and you for them. Someone who pushes you to do more, to think outside the box and to better yourself. Learning to trust someone new and letting them into your life when things get sticky when you’d rather run instead. So we learn to find a way to push through the crappy parts so we can savor those sweet moments.
It’s been nice the last month to spread out a little bit and to find some daily life balance while still taking weekend trips together. I find myself being able to calm and steady myself, getting back to myself again slowly even while being somewhere different and without my friends. What I do realize and what you can really only do is to keep working on what you feel is worth working on.
I don’t fully believe that life is supposed to always be easy and happy go lucky sometimes we just need to be pushed and be in uncomfortable situations to teach us something, I do believe that those moments can bring us joy and fulfillment at the end of the day. We can also be pushed into a different path than what we ever imagined for ourselves that will move us closer to our dreams.
Sometimes it’s just about our outlook, you can still have a good cry -frustrated with yourself and yet glad you are doing what you are doing.