the sun is setting behind me its really quite beautiful. An orange/coral glow with clouds passing over it. I am sitting at the balcony in my hotel room currently looking out to the mountain range in Vancouver. It is all spectacular and I won’t have a picture for this view. This one is going to be all mine.
I called my mom this morning wishing her happy mothers day. We were finally able to do a video call with one another, its not really how I would have intended the day. I had wanted like I had last year to go and visit my mom in Seattle to do a mother/daughter lunch and some shopping/exploring. due to everything happening right now we will have to postpone it for another time.
mothers day hasn’t always been an easy one for me as an adult. as a child it was all about celebrating my mom, trying to make something for breakfast and trying….trying very hard to be on our best behavior. the day unfortunately has gotten more complicated and back to being peaceful in my world again.
there once was a time in my past when I desperately wanted to have children and when that didn’t happen I grew angry with the world. the anger I felt pushed me away from everything for a long time. the anger was just so much pain I felt from my own feeling of inadequacy, the pressure I felt from those around me and in my community.
in my then church community motherhood was and is still taught that it is the highest calling that women can achieve and should achieve. marriage and parenthood is taught to be the end goal to adulthood. the thing is though not everyone can have children and not everyone is going to be able to meet someone to grow old with. and the secret that I have realized is that that is okay. its okay.
I have realized that I have lived a lot of life in my short time here on earth. I have grown as a person, as a women and I like who I have become. being an adult is just realizing that you just don’t have it all figured out but you are still trying to figure it out. you just keep pushing forward. learning to live a responsible life with meaning in it.
I think this is just a thought and my own opinion here but why so many people women and men want to become mothers and fathers and why they do is because it gives them meaning and purpose in their lives. not just because that is what they have grown up to just do but that you have Big responsibilities and having children if you are up for the challenge of it makes you grow up quickly and become an adult. there are choices to be made that aren’t just about you any more. the picture doesn’t revolve around just you but someone else that you have brought into the picture as well. for some people they choose to do this and for others they just stumble upon parenthood. either way in those situations you are forced into growing up.
but not everyone will figure out adult hood in that way. we will stumble and push our ways into adult hood no matter what. I have found meaning and purpose in my life with out becoming a mother and with out being married. it came somewhere in finding peace that my life wasn’t all about just becoming a mother one day because what if that never happened? could I still find purpose, could I still be happy, have joy if I didn’t.
it’s not to say I never want to be a mother. I once used to say loudly that I would never have children. but I don’t know what the future olds for me. I do know how old I am and that worries me as I get older and if the possibilities ever arises of what the chances and risks would be. At times I wonder what that would look like but I don’t let it control my life.
I try not to let the things that people say to me creep in and allow it to hurt my self worth. my worth isn’t tied to whether or not I am or will be a mother one day. its not tied to any future self. I realize that for those who do say thing like “oh don’t you want to be a mother, its the best gift”. or “motherhood is the greatest calling”, or ” there’s just no meaning in life without a family” to them it is the truth in their life and I don’t begrudge them this…anymore.
I don’t need to.
once I realized all of this over time it became easier to go back and celebrate the day like I did as a kid. celebrate my mom, celebrate the family that she gave us. our relationship hasn’t always been easy and at times has made the day hard to celebrate as we have ebbed and flowed with our relationship. but my mom has given me life when at a time she could have so easily not have. when she could have just as easily put me up for adoption as well because she was young and life was uncertain and she was left to raise me without a partner. my mom has loved me from the very beginning even when it was probably hard to do.
so thank you mom and Happy Mothers Day.