Yesterday I biked myself up to Millcreek Canyon so I could go and hike Mt Aire. Its been on my list and though I didn’t finish at the summit I was still happy with how much I had done for the day. Sometimes we just have to know when to turn around and head back home. I had also started a bit later in the morning than what I had originally planned. So is life…
Yesterday’s adventure came at a good time where I had a few things I needed to work out in my head or to let go of. Have you ever been somewhere in your head space so much and trying to make something work and everything during those times easily agitating you? It had been like that for me for a few weeks, getting myself worked up in my head and trying to figure out what it was I was needing to say.
I finally found the words that I had needed to say. I had been dating someone who in maybe a perfect world it should have all made sense and worked. I certainly wanted it to fit into this neat little box but it wasn’t and it was frustrating that it wasn’t.
I want Rome.
I want all that the idea of Rome has to offer to me. Its interesting how a place can conjure up in your mind while biking up the canyons and through the neighborhoods in Sugar House. Dreaming of what it would be like standing under the Sistine Chapel as you look up through the light beaming through the trees on the trails. Being in a place that expands through so much time and yet standing there for the first time. Whatever that feeling is, that’s where I am wanting to be and I don’t want to feel guilty about it.
Last week sitting in the backyard with my coffee I finished listening to Mathew McCaunghey’s book GreenLights. There is a lot to gleam from his book but a couple things I took and that seem to really stand out to me was one his need to find peace within himself while either he was trying to make his way into Hollywood and when he was looking for a partner. The letting go of the control of the control and just the complete peace within himself. The second was when he had met his wife and after they had been together for some time and he was leaving to be on location l for one of his movies and he asked his wife, then girlfriend to go with him. She had said yes but on two conditions; that one she have her own key to the place and second that she have her own bedroom and bathroom.
Independence is such an interesting thing. We crave it we want it and we look forward to it as we grow up and yet also at the same time wanting a partnership, a union with another. For the majority of us we get into the relationship and all of a sudden it feels like the relationship has taken over your lives. We’ve become another person and can’t seem to remember were we had left our selves behind at.
Years ago sitting in the living room across from a man that I was falling in love we were discussing the things that we found important in relationships. Communications and our individual independence. The points were important and yet we had both lost our separateness, our independence from one another while trying to figure out how to maintain a coupledom within that year. Up till that point last week I had never thought to ask or more importantly even know-
What are my conditions?
….. and these are the thoughts I have between the peddles through the canyon. Between the shade and sun, between the footsteps on a trail steeper than I had thought possible.