I have a million words running through my mind and hopefully I can get them all down. I will try to get out what I am trying to say before I go and finally get my day started. For those who have been around for a long time many of you know much of my story, for those of you who are new around here well there once was a time in my life where I was married and then I wasn’t. That time from the day he told me he was leaving to the day of signing the papers and for some years after were….a struggle.
I haven’t written on here in a long time about the divorce and how to move past after a divorce because well I haven’t felt the need to. It wasn’t essential for me anymore. Which for what seemed like a long time I couldn’t ever really imagine.
There have been many I have come across since my own divorce trying to put the pieces of themselves back together. Holding each one in their hands wondering how and why with tear streaked cheeks. The only thing that I can tell you is that one day it will get better and you will find in your arsenal how to mend, bend, glue, and plaster those pieces back. You will, to your surprise, find new pieces to add and you will be able to roll it out and say ‘here, here is my life!’
One day you will be able to wake up without thinking about the fact. You will wake up without crying, without anger, without the pain. One day it will be a distant memory and along the way you will make difficult decisions. You will find new friends and a life you couldn’t or at the moment even dream about. One day you won’t need to pray to ask for your heart to stop hurting.
You will find those friends you need, you will find new activities and hobbies, you will be pushed again and again passed your comfort. One day you will be able to stand tall and the tears won’t be there. You will learn to laugh again and you will learn to love again. One day you will find yourself across from another person and notice, I mean really give them notice. You will surprise even yourself with all those thoughts and your cheeks will redden and then you will start freaking out about figuring out how to even go about flirting. Some will catch on and some of us will still be trying to figure it out. There you will find a renewal of hope.
Perhaps because you now know what it is like to lose something it will push you to chase after those dreams, that promotion, a move, a new career. Perhaps you will finally sit down and start dreaming and you will write it all down. You will lay out the plan and each day work away at it till you have built a new life.
I woke up on Sunday in my tent listening to the water, the breeze, the birds and the light chatter of the group that I had signed myself up with for a small bike overnighter. The sun was barely out and I looked out the tent screen to my view, then unzipping the door to get a better look. The oranges, pinks and light blues across the lake thru the mountain canyons was something like out of a painting.
I gave my thanks, how grateful I was to be there. How beautiful of a morning, noticing the change in the season and how the light plays against each valley, tree, bird, bush. A little sore, a little tired but happy to have pushed myself to get to that moment.
That morning or day not one thought had occurred to me that this was a day that used to bring pain, a day that I would mark on the calendar to move past. A dark holiday. I didn’t remember until much later, a couple days later.
This, this my friends is what I wanted to explain to you. All of those painful days, days that are etched in your mind will one day just be another day on the calendar and will one day be replaced with better memories. Those dates won’t haunt you anymore. The days, weeks, months and years will be brought with brighter days, and bad days, mundane days and days that will take you by surprise.
Your days will not be owned by these times.