Know what you want

I can’t promise you that after your divorce that you will find love again or right after. I mean not in the romantic, found the One kind of way. After 8 years I can say that you can find a far deeper depth of yourself and well that is rather grand and love. Which I have to say may be more important than ever finding the One.

With one divorce, another relationship and painstaking breakup and all those good dates, bad dates and the ‘what the hell was I thinking’! I’m not in the need to search anymore. Somedays I wonder if it will happen and somedays I have hope that perhaps it might. I also know now that I’m not willing to just settle because I don’t want to be lonely. I’ve spent many of lonely nights and days alone and I find that those days are far easier to get through than the days and nights laying in bed next to someone hiding back tears.

There are several types of loneliness and I find the one that is the worst is the one when you are with someone but still feel as if you can never get close to them. Crying and moping around for a few months over the idea of a relationship, person is far better than crying everyday because the person you love isn’t fully sure about the relationship and you.

Whether it happens or it doesn’t happen is up perhaps to chance, luck, timing, connection and the list goes on.

The only real advise that I can fully give when it comes to dating after a divorce or breakup is to start defining what it is that you are looking for out of your life and within a relationship. Is your life aligning to what you want?

I will say that it took me many years to fully align to what I wanted my life to be, look like. At this point in my life I have set it up to where I will be perfectly okay and happy without being in any relationship. It’s not a need but something that would certainly be a welcome.

When I had first started dating right after the divorce I had gone on one date that was…well awful. I wasn’t really sure what I wanted with dating prospects so I said yes to just about every guy that asked me. I knew at the time that I was interested in traveling and wanting to do more traveling and I was just getting into hiking and being more amerced in nature. The date and I had had some things in common when we had first started talking so I had initially excepted to go for dinner with him. When we where at dinner and discussing traveling and he told me about all the places that he had been and then places that he liked. I soon realized though that the way he traveled and why he traveled was not the way that I wanted to do it. He liked to go and party to different cities, stay at the finest hotels, and restaurants and go shopping. Traveling to him was all about the prestige and it also showed by the home he had and the car he drove. At some point within the conversation he mentioned about how he could take me along and how much I would enjoy it. Really what he said without really fully saying it was that I would be nice arm candy.

After that date I realized that one I needed to learn to say no more often and I also really needed to know what I was looking for when dating and why I was dating.

It wasn’t about just filling some void within myself. I realized that I had to fill the void and work my life in a way to align with what I was looking for.

After figuring out what it was that I wanted I also then realized after that to date men who knew what they wanted as well.

I know for myself that when I do date that I am dating a niche of men within a niche. What do I mean by that well

I date men who are one outdoorsy, they cycle, mountain bike, generally take long leisurely rides on bikes because they find it fun, they hike, camp. They are typically more outside than inside. They travel to get to more outdoor places to hike, bike and camp. Have an admiration for nature and yet still generally likes people and willing to meet new people all over. Who has as much of an impressive book collection as myself and a few more things on that list. Which with all of that I can typically meet men within those categories but what typically happens is that most of the outdoor community of men don’t really want children. Which is fine I get it a lot of people feel that once you have children all those experiences that you have had before are gone, awash. I would like to think that you just have to become more creative when traveling and being out in the elements.

I started reimagining my life well over 10 years ago. When I started laying out this whole new plan to my ex-husband he looked at me as if I was someone new and coming blazing in with horns on my head. To be truthful a lot of the way I started rethinking the way I lived and how I wanted to live was because of the conversations of children and how we would raise them and when we weren’t able to have children together I looked rather deeply about whether I was really happy with the life I was living and the projection that it was going.

The big answer to all of that was No.

So a little by little I started chipping away at was holding me back and to start moving in the direction of the way I wanted my life to be.

It hasn’t been easy, there have been some fun times, losses and some wins.

We do a major disservice to ourselves and others when we aren’t being fully truthful with what we are wanting and not living it.

After all of that I will say that fully knowing what I am wanting when it comes to dating does give me far more freedom.

Freedom to choose to say no or yes.

I put up with far less of the bullshit and games that comes along with dating

and gosh that is freeing.

with love,

jess

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