have i mentioned in any of my posts that i am living in Wilmington, NC? I’m not sure I have?
not in a formal way. I suppose I don’t do anything formal. the last time i did it didn’t turn out so well. ha, joke….
anyways, i am here. or perhaps everywhere. i sometimes can’t decide where i want to be. i generally frustrate and confuse my self along with everyone else around me. i amble about as if i am looking or waiting for something.
i suppose i wait around for signs for some sort of purpose as we all do at some point in our lives. I’m not sure any of it makes any bit of sense and yet we keep going and making the best of it.
i would like to say and to think that i have faith. faith in my self, faith in relationships, faith in humanity, faith in something higher/bigger than ourselves, faith in some meaning in all of this nonsense.
i know i also lack a lot of faith.
i say all of this because the south has faith a whole lot of faith.
while i stood looking out at the ocean one evening. wishing to scream, wanting to run out into the waves be taken up by them, become them. waiting for some answer that would make some sort of sense to all of this.
i was waiting for some sort of sign.
today at work a very sweet old lady asked after i had finished cleaning her apartment if she could pray for me.
she had faith a whole lot of faith
she took my hand in hers bowed her head and said the sweetest prayer.
i tried not to cry
i tried not to show how much it meant, deeply.
all i could think was i have forgotten how to pray.
i don’t know how to any more.
i once came from a place of high devotion
on Sunday for Easter I went to a very southern church
and there it was again, i have forgotten to pray.
i once knew how to pray
i prayed on my knees, i prayed crying sprawled out on the floor
i prayed humbly, i prayed gritting through it all,
i prayed to praise, to thank, to be grateful
i once had a prayer in my heart
and so maybe that is why i am here.
on the coast where it is calm, where there is faith
where sweet old ladies will ask to take your hand and pray over you.
in her prayer she asked that i would be guided, that god knew what was best for me and that she has seen my light.
i think i have lost my iron rod and i didn’t even know it.